That other room…

Check- in was at 9pm. This was a ‘courtesy’ given to us so we didn’t need to be admitted through the Emergency Room, which is necessary after 10.

Of course we’re running late. I’m not sure if it’s due to my scattered brain, or subconscious stalling.

I can’t remember what floor Labor and Delivery is- so we make our best guess.

Wrong.

We begrudgingly ask the closest nurse what level we should be on- I don’t really want to know, I’m not ready yet.

We make it to the correct floor, where we were greeted by the sign-in sheet. I write my name, date of birth, estimated due date, then come to a full and tearful stop.

“Reason for visit:_

This is it. This is where it gets real. We’re here…no escaping. With a trembling hand I write,

‘Stillbirth’.

Once the Charge Nurse takes my form, she tells another to take us to our room. I can tell by the look on her face she knows. It’s that room. That other room- only reserved for times like these. Oddly enough, this is our second time in this small musty closet. I suppose I wouldn’t really know the difference had we not delivered Charlie at this hospital as well.

He was brought in to this world in what may as well have been a palace. The room was huge, we had a closet area, and a nice comfy pull out bed for Josh to sleep on. Windows lined one entire wall, bringing infinitely more warmth and light to our stay there- it was a suite indeed.

This room however, is the other room. Given to us for both Addie and Viola.

Outside the door are the typical photographs of happy, healthy babies. We both know putting those in this back hall is just to keep up appearances. Behind that door lies the coldest room. So small, so empty. I look around and note the lack of equipment. It hits me- not only is there too little space in here for that, but we don’t need it. We’re only here for delivery. No bassinet needed. Again. This room is as empty as my arms will be when I leave here tomorrow.

Morning comes and Josh pulls up the curtains…air conditioning units. What a view. Even the windows hide the still spinning world from her halted heart. Not one ounce of normalcy is allowed here.

Viola arrived silently, in much more of a dungeon than her brother’s palace- just like Addie before them. As if somehow the absence of life makes meeting them for the first time any less precious. Especially being that our first ‘Hello’ must also be the start of our swift ‘Goodbye’.

This is that other room, after all.

{photo credit: Bonnie Bee Photography}
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14 thoughts on “That other room…

  1. I know I’ve said this already but you’re so strong. I know you’re hurting and there seems like no end to the hurting, and their might not be, but being able to express your feelings and share your pain with us is healing in microdoses.
    I know we don’t know eachother all too well but I love you sweet Piper and you are constantly in my thoughts.
    Please reach out if you ever wanna talk…about anything💙

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  2. Piper to know that other room I understand but even if I didn’t you write with such description that it makes anyone’s body fill with goose bumps…. out beautiful babies should all be brought into the world with a room that shows the moments of a baby meeting their parents no matter in what circumstances but for the first time!! Their will be no flowers and there will be no balloons so their should be something to make the room not feel empty but at least welcoming even with the people entering knowing what is about to happen. I love you and your circle and your always in my heart as well as your angels and you beauty. Wrote in so little words but gives that instant feel of the painful moment.xxxx

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    1. Dan- I can’t thank you enough for your kind words and all the years of support you’ve given. I completely agree- there should be something for us Mommas going through the unimaginable. Sending you and your lovely family so so much love xxxxxxxxxxx

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  3. Piper, we only met once (at LaMadelines) for the prep of the first GH. I am James God mama, Peyton’s son. I am so very sorry for your losses. You write incredibly beautiful words. They come from deep within and I felt like I was there with you. My loss was early in my pregnancy but I still felt your pain as if I was as farther along. I just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you! ❤️

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    1. I remember you, Laura 💜 Thank you so much for your prayers, condolences, and kind words. Early on, or late- it impacts us all so, so deeply- I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you all of my love 💜 I hope to see you at GH

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  4. My sweetest Piper, my heart hurts for you and Josh beyond measure. I believe this blog is going to help you in the long run. You write so eloquently and straight from your heart. I love y’all so much. Please take care of yourself and my prayers are with you and your family now and always.

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  5. WOW, that is beautiful. I am sure you do not remember me but I was a nurse at the Doctors office when you were pregnant with your little boy. I remember everyone told me that you had gone through loosing a baby girl prior to me starting there and that was why we would perform a sonogram at every visit. I could see the nervousness in you at every visit to make sure things were ok. I am so sorry for your loss with your little girl. You are such a strong woman!

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    1. Stephanie,
      I do remember you ♥️
      Thank you so much for taking the time to not only read, but leave such a kind comment. I’m glad you and I got to spend some of the few happy moments we had at that office together ♥️

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